Scott's Edition 39: We're Back

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July 11, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

July 11, 2021

Edition 39: We're Back

I'm back! Like Michael Jordan in 1995, I am returning after a brief and inconsequential hiatus. Unlike Michael Jordan, I'm not very good at what I do.

A lot has happened in the past three weeks, and because you haven't received an Edition in that time, you're probably hopelessly lost when it comes to world events. Let's change that by diving into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of vaccine doses administered in the world

3.42 billion, ↑ 0.80 billion since three weeks ago

Share of the world population fully vaccinated

12.1%, ↑ 2.3% since three weeks ago

# of top 5 companies by market cap with a new CEO

1, ↑ 1 since three weeks ago

Fan capacity at the Tokyo Olympics

0%, ↓ 50% from three weeks ago

# of NBA teams remaining

2. Fun fact, the technical term for 2 teams remaining is "championship." Go impress your sports friends!

Richmond will see a week of 90 degree days. You could complain about it being too hot, but I'd argue you wouldn't be looking at the nice weather from the right angle. Yeah... it's a geometry joke.

(Three) Week in Review

The Devil's Lettuce: Sprinter Sha'Carri Richardson was banned from the Olympic Games after testing positive for a "performance enhancing drug"... AKA marijuana. When Thomas Bach, President of the IOC, was asked about the incident he explained, "It's a slippery slope. If we allow runners to start smoking weed it's only a matter of time before swimmers start eating before races, soccer players start wearing work boots, or archers start wearing eye patches. We can't allow these competitive advantages!"

Deflation: The Biden administration proudly announced that the cost of a July 4th cookout was down 16 cents from a year ago. I hope you all spent that extra money on 1/20th of a gallon of gas. It's great to see that economic plan working!

America: Rather than give you a third week in review item, I decided instead to share this epic July 4th drone video I made at Lake Monticello. Thanks for hosting, Brandon!

SPONSORED BY SUNSCREEN

Get some help protecting yourself

It's a Suns' Screen.... get it?!?!?

Jeffrey, Jeffrey Bezos

On July 5, the world's wealthiest person stepped down as CEO of Amazon. While new CEO Andy Jassy has some enormous shoes to fill, Bezos did not leave him high and dry. Instead, Bezos's farewell speech provided a roadmap for the future. Here are a few of the highlights:

On the working environment

"Working conditions for our factory workers are not where I want them to be. There have been numerous reports of line workers and drivers urinating in plastic water bottles because they feel they do not have time to stop and use the restroom. That is unacceptable. I hope that within the next five years, they will all utilize reusable water bottles instead."

On package delivery

"Our customers expect faster delivery than ever before. Even one day is not fast enough. Under Andy's leadership, Amazon will set up a delivery system of the future. Rather than wait for a package to be delivered, we will stock mini warehouses across the world with an assortment of goods. Customers can enter these warehouses, browse the selection, and purchase items on the spot. I expect these store houses of goods, or 'stores,' for short, to revolutionize the consumer experience."

On space travel

"Look, Earth's environment will be fine. But, when it gets destroyed because of all of the emissions from Amazon deliveries, I want to be prepared. My new superyacht doubles as a state of the art spaceship so I can live out my remaining days on Mars. I've already agreed to let Elon take the Northern Hemisphere while I take the Southern one."

On philanthropy

"I'm looking into it."

Marveling at Marvel

On Friday, Marvel released its newest blockbuster film, Black Widow. Way back in Edition 16 I discussed Disney's upcoming slate of releases. Today, I'll zone in specifically on their plan for the next few Marvel films.

Thor: Thunder Road - The Asgardian God returns for Marvel's first 2022 movie. Chris Hemsworth's character finds himself stuck in New Jersey in 1975 where he must team up with Bruce Springsteen to case the promised land. In a pivotal scene, a portal back to 2021 opens up. Thor turns to Bruce and says, "Hey, I know it's late... we can make it if we run." In theaters and streaming January, 2022.

Spiderman: Prom Night - In the final movie of the Spiderman trilogy, Tom Holland returns to fight his greatest foe yet: high school prom. While the evening starts out nicely, Spiderman is quickly arrested after police discover that he is actually 25 years old. The remainder of the movie follows a court case uncovering the web of lies Spidey told to convince his "friends" he was still in high school.

Hulk Smash - In a break with the form of recent Marvel movies, director Kevin Feige presents this Hulk backstory as a documentary. Set in the early 2000s, we witness Bruce Banner as a struggling scientist who has just ingested a heavy dose of radiation that turns him into the Hulk. As labs across the world refuse to employ the monster, Banner turns to black market dealing just to make ends meet. We quickly learn that he is singlehandedly responsible for baseball's steroid era as he uses his radiation technology to supercharge hitters like Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez. As with many billionaires, Tony Stark is able to use his massive fortune to cover up Banner's involvement.... until today.

Blacker Widow - It's the exact same movie that was just released, except the titular character is played by Regina King.

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for July 09, 2021

Rat has a huge smile on his face in the first panel as he tells Goat, "Well, the world's finally opening back up and I'm off to experience it!."

Goat is watching television and only half paying attention as he replies, "Good for you, Rat! Enjoy!"

In the second panel, Goat continues to watch TV in silence. The window in the background shows that the sun is setting.

In the third panel, the window in the background is black with several stars indicating that several hours have passed from the start of Rat's adventure into the world. Rat has returned and states, "I forgot how much people annoy me."

Hahahaha, indeed! People are annoying! That's why I sit behind a computer screen on Sundays instead of interacting with the world!

Thanks for reading! And a very happy birthday to my friend Jordan. Have a Slurpee, on me.

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﻿The Name Behind the News

Weekly Stats﻿

(Three) Week in Review

﻿﻿Comics Described

The Name Behind the News

Weekly Stats

Comics Described