Scott's Edition 41: One Year Anniversary

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August 1, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

August 1, 2021

Edition 41: One Year Anniversary

Can you believe it's been a year?! Me neither.... because it hasn't. I wrote the first Edition back on August 9, 2020 but I'm on vacation the next two weeks, so I'm celebrating the milestone today! Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through the bad puns, spelling mistakes, and poor grammar. I promise that the next year will be much beter.

With that, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats (An update from a year ago)

James River gage height

3.85 feet, ↓ 25% since last year (where's the water?!?)

Scott's Height

5'10", no change from prior year (yes, Bridget and Aaron, I'm 5'10")

Maddie's latest bedtime

11:13 PM, ↓ 1 minute since last year (I'm glad you're more well-rested)

Social distancing distance

0', ↓ 6' since last year (but please continue to stay away from me)

Gold

$1,814.00, ↓ 10% since last year (Time to buy!*)

*Disclaimer: The contents on this site are for informational and entertainment purposes only, even if they accomplish neither of those goals. This information does not constitute financial, accounting, legal, or dating advice. By reading this newsletter, you agree to hold me harmless from any ramifications, financial, comedic, or otherwise, that occur to you as a result of acting on information found here. If you choose to act on information found within Scott's Edition, you may want to reevaluate your decision-making processes and make some adjustments in your life.

Starting today, we'll shift away from Richmond's weather forecast and instead focus on more interesting weather phenomena around the world. This week, extreme heat on Canada's coast cooked mussels on the spot. Good thing they've got universal healthcare!

Week in Review

Eviction Moratorium: The Federal Eviction Moratorium expired this week despite the efforts of Congressional Democrats, leaving millions of struggling Americans unsure of where they will live. When asked what advice he would give to renters who might soon be evicted, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell offered, "I know it's not ideal, but it could be fun to get out of the city and spend a few weeks at your lake house. I know I like mine better than my mountain house."

Vaccine Encouragement: To combat the slow down in vaccinations, President Biden encouraged state governments to offer people $100 to get a shot. Lesson learned: don't do anything the government tells you to do until they offer to pay you to do it. Huzzah for capitalism!

New Mask Guidance: On Tuesday, the CDC updated its COVID guidance to recommend that everyone "wear a mask indoors in public if you are in an area of substantial or high transmission." After hearing the recommendation, Bruce Wayne told Alfred he had taken off his mask for good. However, by the middle of the movie he had put it back on and was fighting crime again.

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Permitting: Eager to start building? Hold your horses. Just like real world projects, your LEGOs need proper permitting from the County Office. Submit, in triplicate, your completed Building Permit. Make sure to have a back up copy because the first one you send in will likely be misplaced. Then, just wait 2 to 7 months for the County to review and approve your project!
RFIs: The "Request for Information" portion of the project is essential to ensure all parties are on the same page. In this phase, you'll get to ask questions about the design, argue with the architect, and yell at the engineer. All the fun of real construction!
Recession: Unfortunately the U.S. has dipped into a severe financial crisis and this project will not be moving forward. Thanks for your time.

Water Cooler Talk - The Tokyo Olympics

Stroll into the office on Monday confident in your small talk abilities. Here are a few simple one-liners you can use to show the other suits that you've stayed up-to-date with this year's Olympic Games!

Comment, "Good for Simone Biles for prioritizing her mental health over sports."
- This shows you're following Olympic storylines. The 6x Olympic medalist chose to sit out after she felt overwhelming pressure and anxiety. "Well, it's more than just the pressure," Biles explained to a reporter, "I also wanted to give all those other, less talented Olympians a chance to win gold. If I competed I'd f***ing destroy those losers."
Say, "Wow, I can't believe Caeleb Dressel broke another record!"
- This shows you know your history. The US Swimmer owns stock in Spotify and has been harassing other Olympians by sneaking into their rooms and breaking their old record albums. The most recent assault came against the British cycling team who enjoys listening to Sgt. Peppers before their races.
State, "I can't believe the U.S. Men's Basketball Team lost to Nigeria."
- This shows you've watched from the beginning. Although the U.S. team has stars like Kevin Durant and Damian Lillard, the Nigerians may have benefitted from the use of fake mustaches.

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Break of Day by Nate Fakes for August 01, 2021

We've got a single panel cartoon today. Two men stare intently at a parking meter. One of them holds a magnifying glass.

The first man explains, "And this one dates back several decades ago. Nothing digital... just takes quarters."

"Fascinating," replies the second man.

The comic is captioned, "Meterologists."

Top score for puns! (Ya know, like meteorolgists but without the "o.")

Thanks for reading! Like I mentioned in the intro, I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks. I'll see you in your inbox on August 22nd!

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﻿The Name Behind the News

﻿﻿Comics Described

The Name Behind the News

Comics Described