Scott's Edition 49: Climate Solved

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November 14, 2021

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The Name Behind the News

November 14, 2021

Edition 49: Climate Solved

Welcome Back! Like Bo Burnham in "Inside," I'm sorry I was gone. But look! I made you some content.

In the past three weeks I've been busy coming up with some awesome new articles and stories for you. And by that I mean I woke up this morning with nothing planned. On that note, let's dive into this week's news!

Weekly Stats

# of U.S. COVID cases (7-day average)

70,431, ↓ 1.4% since last week

% of U.S. population fully vaccinated

58.2%, ↑ 0.3% since last week

Average price of milk in the U.S.

$3.66, ↑ 8% since last year

Days until Thanksgiving

11, ↓ 7 since last week

# of times I've used the "↓ 7 days since last week" joke

Too many, ↑ 1 since last week

As Richmond's self-proclaimed arbiter of the written word, I'm always looking for a way to make the English language more elegant. I've consulted with Hollywood writer Jordan Dumbroff to fill the void. Each week, we'll add a new, much needed word to the English language!

Sclarp

/sklärp/

verb

When a horse falls over while trotting

Ex: "When my horse, Jack, sees a pretty girl horse he often gets nervous and sclarps. I've been trying to build his confidence by reminding him that he's a stud."

Week in Review

Feeling 32: Taylor Swift re-released her Red album this week now that she has ownership rights to the songs. I am also planning to re-release some of my work from 10 years ago. I just need to find an SAT testing center nearby.

Farewell, K: College basketball tipped off on Tuesday. This will be Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski's final season. After he retires he plans to go back to being Ron Weasley's pet.

Inflation: Small business owners are struggling against rising inflation nationwide. One Scott's Edition economic expert recommends that small businesses combat the higher costs of raw materials by raising prices on their goods. Problem solved.

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The prices you'll love more and more as time goes on

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COP26 Promises

The 26th Conference of the Parties ended in Glasgow on Friday with several resolutions geared toward tackling climate change. We've captured the biggest promises that world leaders made during the conference.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi promised to cut his country's emissions to net zero by 2070. He explained, "By 2070, the world will be uninhabitable by humans. At this point, we promise not to release any carbon into the atmosphere!"

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson announced that several wealthy nations would donate $19.2 billion dollars to end and reverse deforestation. "We plan to give coal producers an extra day off in 2022. The extra savings from one less day of coal subsidies should be just enough to fund this reforestation effort."

The United States released a plan to go carbon neutral by 2050. When asked whether he could really reduce emissions by that much, President Biden said, "Yeah it's totalllly gonna happen. If it doesn't, you can come find me in 30 years and hold me personally responsible."

Finally, COP26 President Alok Sharma promised that at COP27, the exact same promises would be upheld, except that their target dates would be pushed back by one year.

Where's Waldo?

Answer below

Comics Described

Artists get all the credit for a good comic strip, but I think it’s the writing that really makes or breaks them. To really focus on the writing, I’ve removed those pesky cartoons and will simply explain the comic strip. I think this will create a much more enjoyable experience for the reader.

Close to Home by John McPherson for November 14, 2021

We've got a single panel cartoon today. We're inside a stadium, looking on at a doubles tennis match. There's a massive crack running through the center of the court, and one of the players is hanging onto the edge, attempting not to fall in. His teammate and their two opponents watch in terror. The referee sits on his high chair and yells, "Fault!"

Hahaha there's nothing like a good tennis pun. He really SET that one up nicely!

Where's Waldo Answer: He's at court, advising Kyle Rittenhouse!

Thanks for reading!

Happy 6 year anniversary, Maddie! Thanks for encouraging me to write this silly little newsletter and for telling me when my jokes are too inappropriate. You're the best!

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I'm Scott, and this is Scott's Edition. Have a great start to the week!

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